three's a charm

Yes, this is what you think it is. And if you don't know what to think, this stick with two blue lines means that I am preggers. And yes, I am just as shocked as you are, although probably moreso. Jim and I have wanted another baby for quite some time and I was pretty sure it wasn't in the cards for me.

I guess I was wrong.

I honestly and truly can NOT BELIEVE how wrong I was. Seriously. I'm very, VERY surprised and very, VERY happy, excited, nervous, worried, elated, joyful, panicked, and just plain in awe of what seems to be a reality but feels very, VERY much like a dream. I honestly feel like I'm going to wake up tomorrow and find out the stick in the picture was all just a dream. That's why I took a picture of it. I needed proof, without having to keep the peed-on stick.....ew.
(Although I'm sure people do...and good for them! I just didn't happen to want to.)

So yes, while it is a total and complete surprise, it is also something we both have wanted since we had our wee girl three years ago. However, I have never once felt confident that it was possible or even going to happen. With two sisters and a mother who stopped being able to have children at the age of 39, after turning 40 a bit over a year ago, my outlook for a third has been very bleak, to say the least (and turning 41 and feeling very, very old, didn't help much). I personally had no interest in doing anything "invasive" to have a third when I have two perfectly wonderful and healthy kidlings. But....we reeeeeeeally wanted a third. So -- next month, for one final push before we gave up, we were going to try a "procedure". As it turned out, we didn't have to. YIPPEEEE and PHEW!! Funny how that happens, eh?

Now I'll get on my soapbox....just cuz I think it's worth mentioning:
Why the heck did I want a third child when I have two healthy children -- a boy and a girl no less (people seem to think that means you don't need another child) -- and I am at an "at risk" age to have children? Well, who can explain the yearning of a mother? There is no explanation for it and therefore it shouldn't be an option for people to judge a mother's decision to have more children...even if she is "older" or "too young" or she already has 2, or 4, or 8 other perfectly healthy children. But judgment is all around. Mothers feel it constantly. It adds a difficulty to motherhood that shouldn't even exist. But it does. Very much so. And as much as I hate to admit it, I am just as guilty as anyone...I have definitely had my moments of judging such things that have no right to be judged.

I am a mom who married later in life, but who wanted to be married with children since I was born (at least that's what it felt like). Yep, I was one of those women who truly, deeply wanted to get married and have children and that was about the epitome of fulfillment for my life. Pathetic...I know....but I can't deny what I felt, and that's what I felt. I always wanted four children, but three is just fine, thank you. Being an older mom is hard in many ways (but not without its advantages... although I honestly can't think of many), so the prospect of a third at my age is scary, to say the least. However, I am way more excited than scared. Way more.

I feel E X T R E M E gratitude for the family I already have....because for a very, VERY long time I didn't think even that would be a reality. My intense appreciation for my husband and two healthy children is a constant in my life. I am beyond grateful every. single. day.

I am grateful beyond words that I am able to have a third -- because now I don't feel any yearning to have more, no yearning for anything other than to have a happy, healthy child. It's a really nice feeling -- especially after years of yearning. I will be forever grateful for it. As long as I'm not having multiples, our family of five will feel, well, just right. And that feels very, VERY good and I am very, VERY lucky.