Saturday, March 23, 2013

my life, interrupted

I started this post a few weeks ago -- in my head. Then I started writing it a few days ago. Too tired to finish. This is my life right now...start something, interrupted; forgetting what I was doing, interrupted; not understanding simple concepts, interrupted; wanting to get something done at the end of the day, exhausted.

Part of the reason I'm exhausted is because I take this lil pup for a walk in the woods early every morning before all the kidlings get up.
Every once in a while I need to vent on my blog. This is one of those once-in-a-whiles. Since, by nature, most mothers remember the good times more than the bad (thank heavens!) -- often completely clearing their mind of the bad -- I want to make sure I remember the bad times of motherhood so that I can have full empathy for mothers with toddlers when mine have become grown-ups. And I hope, oh how I hope, I never, ever say to a mom with her young children, "Enjoy it now while it lasts cuz it goes by so fast! How I miss those days!"

No, you don't miss this. You miss the good stuff, which, I admit, is REALLY good, and for heavens' sakes I AM enjoying it as much as I possibly can. But you don't miss it as much as you think you do. And, most of all, why don't YOU enjoy what YOU have....grown-up children who don't need diapers changed, who aren't screaming demands every second of every day while you calmly reply, "Say please!", who can actually have a conversation, who don't spit raspberries at you thinking it's funny, who can play outside in the cold weather for more than 5 minutes....or even play outside without your neighbors telling you to "watch your children" (translated, "Could you please hover over your children like every other mother of the 21st Century?" Mothers didn't used to...we all have stories about playing outside with full freedom. What happened to that????)

The good news is that she doesn't like very long walks in the cold. 
Which is good because I need to get back to the little ones -- who are now climbing out of their crib. Good times.
For the past few weeks I have been desperately trying to put into words in my head, so that I could transfer them to my blog, how to describe my life right now...without being overly dramatic.


But I can't.

So...I'll give it to you straight. I really hate 2 and 3 year olds. They are a pain in every way. Except when they say cute things, or look at you lovingly with a smile, or give you the best hugs EVER, or make you feel the kind of joy and love so deep in your soul it almost hurts.

Or when they have a bad case of bed head and have no clue so it gives you a much needed laugh.
Other than that, they are nothing but noise makers and mess makers. And by noise I mean crying, whining, fighting, tantruming, screaming, wailing, bawling, shrieking noise. Not good noises. Seriously, that is all the noise I hear. All. Day. Long. Ok, so maybe not during nap time, but other than that, it's all about the noises. And the messes. Which I clean up during nap time. Yippee. And yet, I still look forward to nap time. Cuz at least it's quiet and nobody is demanding my attention every single dang second. No seriously. EVERY second.

Like when they crawl under a sofa and then get so stuck they can't get out. As you can see, Lambeau is so used to the crying, he doesn't even know there's a baby screaming behind her. And I'm so used to the crying, I grabbed a camera before I helped my helpless boy.
Which leads me to the really tough part that I have never experienced before in all my 8 years and four children of motherhood. Did I mention I hate 2 and 3 year olds? (It's not "Terrible Twos" but very much "Terrible 3s...with the last few months of 2s") Well, a -- as in ONE -- 2 and 3 year old I can -- and have -- handled just fine. But TWO 2 and 3 year olds are a freaking living nightmare. (I told you I was going to be overly dramatic!) There is ALWAYS one asking for something, crying about something, fighting for something, grabbing something, denting something, hitting someone, breaking something, ruining something, destroying something, throwing something, and, in short, needing attention -- from me. All. Day. Long.

Remember, I have two other children too who need/want my attention. Like when Soren wanted to play this game he made out of recycled materials for Cub Scouts. How could I say "no" -- even when I had a million other things I needed to be doing?? Turns out, I tried to play, but I couldn't focus because I had two 2 year olds who were way more demanding, so he gave up and played by himself. Poor guy.
Ok, yes, again with the nap time...while it is a break...a MUCH needed and appreciated break from the neediness of two 2-year olds...it is, at most, a 2 hour break which I frantically try to at least TRY to get perhaps one item on my to-do list done....which is usually laundry, making a meal, cleaning a mess, yada yada. (How envious of my life am I making you right now?)

Who wouldn't be envious of a mother who had this cuteness and love????
Ok. You get the picture. Sort of. This is not the kind of picture you can simply read about and "get it". You have to "live it" to "get it". I know that from experience. I have several mothers-of-twins friends who warned me of how much harder it gets as the days and years go by after having those two adorable lil babies. But I didn't think it would be this hard. Oh no....I did not. I had NO idea it was going to be this hard. And, the reason I keep saying, "2 and 3 year olds" is because my boys aren't even 3 yet. So it's only going to get harder. I have more than a year left of dealing with these screaming maniacs two toddlers. Lucky me.

Anders is desperately trying to ride his car in the snow...before he came crying because "hands code!!" (Does any toddler keep their mittens on in freezing weather????)

Now get those pantomimed violin strings ready to play "My Heart Bleeds for You"....

How can anyone possibly feel sorry for me when I am surrounded by such cuteness? Puppies and babies, does it get any cuter????
Add on top of this the fact that my husband lives in Chicago and we are trying to sell our house...all during a "record-breaking winter" (as in lots and lots of snow and storms). That's the stuff of really good fun, right?
My "man of the house" helping me shovel. Not one complaint.
And he did a really good job too! Without any help from me whatsoever.
But it sure is beautiful. What a view from my kitchen window!!
Remember all those messes and destruction I mentioned? Yea, well, every day I have it hanging over my head that I need to have the house "show ready" at any given day the realtor happens to call for an appointment to show the house. Given that we have only had 6 showings in 7 months -- 3 of those in the past week (One calling at 10am to see the house at 12pm. That was fun.) -- that doesn't sound so bad, right? Well, it is. Add to it the stress of having to lower the price of your home more...and more...and more...and STILL not selling your home (that you happen to LOVE and wish you didn't have to sell) and constantly wondering IF you will sell your home and WHEN you will ever live with your husband again -- who's living in a basement apartment eating tuna and beans out of a can for dinner and missing his fast-growing children like crazy.

Missing events like the 3rd Grade Biography Fair when Soren dressed up like Orville Wright and displayed the results of his hard work
How about that 'stache??
Ok, I think I have vented enough for one post. More than enough, really, but I assume nobody held a gun to your head to read it all the way through? If you made it all the way through.....

Now I need to get back to "enjoying it while I can" and appreciating my four little ones....and maybe even a sunset.....


After all, tomorrow is another day.....
(random link, I know...but her words and expression are so perfect for my overly dramatic feeling about my life right now....)

6 comments:

Emily said...

Amy,

I loved reading your post because I can relate to your feelings completely. Although I do not have twins, I have three little ones who are home most of the time with me doing exactly what you are describing. I really cannot wait for them to be in school and I can get back to some semblance of a life. Until then we must press forward. Please know you have a friend who can relate to how you are feeling. I hope you are reunited with Jim soon, I can't imagine how hard that has been for you.

Em

irish1 said...

Thank you for you utter honesty Amy and know that some of us remember "those days".

I for one LOVE your blog and if you cannot vent on your own blog then where can you?

I remember also trying to have a house ready by 8 AM everyday in Chicago because you never knew! A friend gave me a hint which helped a lot once the house was neater and cleaner that it had EVER been including a POLISHED 90 year old furnace!( the realtor said that had perhaps not been necessary)..to hint: leave a draw per bedroom and a place in every other where you can do a really quick sweep and everything on the floor gets flung in there. I sometimes felt like the wicked witch because as you know the girls were old enough to do for themselves BUT...there is always something OUT. SOOOOOOOOOOOO much harder for you with your precious munchkins(watch those videos you made of them laughing and laughing, I go to it myself for a BOOST) and with your two little ones.
But the worst has to be being a part from that wonderful husband. I love how you write of him and cannot imagine how difficult it must be for him to miss you the puddins and his wonderful "farm life!"

But hang on and vent when you need to. You are in my thoughts a LOT! and in my prayers. xo,Kathleen

Pedaling said...

a real post with some of the cutest little pictures.

is it the cute that keeps you going?
;)

i am glad i am no longer changing diapers and am at a point where my children can be more of my friends---the adults they are.
you are right!

Soren's little face. i feel your pain and frustration. i know you wanted to play. his game looks like a good one!
wish i could stop in and play the grandma friend or something!

really that pic of the 3 reading could have had us all convinced that you life was pure blissdom! many mothers play that trick, you know.

seriously, goldens are the cutest and take the best pictures of any dog in the world! your pup is no exception!

Love the biography fair!
you really are managing this single motherhood jaunt pretty well- you may just come out of this without being committed!
your poor hubby! i feel for him, too!

really loved this post.

now go eat some ice-cream or something!

Shannon Gish said...

You nailed it my friend. I can't imagine anyone missing the crying-whiny-endlessly-changing-diapers days coupled with the late, sleepless nights of early motherhood. Add to that, you are doing it solo, and having to whip your home into museum shape at the drop of the Realtor phone call. All of this most definitely gives you permission for a little venting every now and then.

But you, as always, season it with your normal gracious and beautiful way. And this post evidences that perfectly.

namaste said...

sending you a big (((HUG))). bravo to you for putting the truth out there! motherhood is NOT easy, especially when done alone. but some how we keep pushing through each and every hour and day. your babies are beautiful! just like you, sweet mom! my heart breaks for both you and hubby. hopefully you will all be back together soon.

when mine were smalled i got up super early (like you do with your dog) just to have a few minutes alone. take good care of you :)

Linda Carrion said...

I love everything about this blog post! The honesty, the good, the gritty and even that you posted about it! Most of all, I love YOU! When you get here, we are sooooo having a spa day. Moving is one of the most stressful things I have done (and I have done it many times) but I have only had myself to move - I can't imagine doing it under your circumstances. Thank you my dear friend for telling it like it is. I am not in your shoes but when I do get partially in your shoes and become a mom, I know I would be wondering why someone didn't tell me about the reality of it all. I am so glad you told me here!